What was it all for?
by Geraldine Katunga
“ I’m done, I’m leaving!” He roars at me.
The hurt,confusion and disbelief that I feel are overwhelming. How can this possibly be happening to me? After all, I went through pre-marital Counsellling. We spoke and agreed on budgets and how to deal with potential problematic areas in our union.
My aunts and mother even threw me a very lavish party to send me off to my new home. My friends witnessed our courting that ripened into a relationship and finally blossomed into marriage. Some of them were ecstatic & delighted for me but some were envious and they told me about it. We had that level of comfort with one another, so we could share those kinds of feelings without feeling resentful.
We built a house together, we have children together, we have plans.
How is it even possible that the house that I toiled to build and meticulously designed has come crushing down? Did I build on the wrong ground? Was it the wrong foundation? Did I choose the wrong building material? Did I build with the wrong partner? How could I be so wrong about so many things in my own life ?
My reality is fading into oblivion.
Surely, I as the builder made some grave miscalculations. But how would I have known? How would I have predicted this? Time has the tendency to move slowly when you’re having fun. You don’t notice the changes, the loss of affection, the disinterest in regular life, small disagreements turn into huge arguments.
But the thought of us breaking up never occurs to me. Surely, every couple goes through this! There’s nothing surprising here. And yet with every decision I make to deny reality, the bricks to my house are breaking,crumbling until there’s no house to speak of. Only dust that’s carried by the wind, without a trace. Only I remember what once existed.
I watch as my life unfolds. He packs his bags and takes everything that was ever a trace of him in my life. How can it be so easy for him to walk away from me? I thought I meant something, I mattered. Was I wrong in my thinking? Was I blind sided? Or did I simply choose to believe the lies I told myself that I was special?
Oh my God! What will I tell my parents, my children, my family and my friends? Surely I can’t tell the truth, that he left me. What do I say? They will probably blame my love for fine things as the reason for him leaving me. What will I do for money? All I am has been tied to this man. I have no skill, no money. I never desired to go back to school because he provided for me. What man will want me with kids on my back? Oh my God,what about all the Sunday church services we used to attend as a family? People will notice that he isn’t there with me anymore? Do I have to change the church uniform and identify with the widows and divorced women ?
The shame of it all! It can’t be happening to me. Not at this point in my life. But when is the ‘ right’ time for this to happen? Why do I think someone else deserves to go through this and not me? Am I somehow immune to what happens to the rest of the normal people or am I so disillusioned that I think I am above the normal people?
I beg, I cry, I plead. Please don’t leave me because I just don’t know what my life will be without you. I can’t breath.
Literally I can’t breath. I expect a hug of comfort from him but he continues to pack. Unmoved by my tears. If anything, they seem to fuel his desire to quickly leave me.
My heart is broken. My heart is hollow. I gave my life to this man and now he shuts the door in my face? How is this possible?
Many many days that I prayed and fasted so my house would be spared from this calamity. But it seems fate was lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike and invite herself forcibly into my home. I am troubled, I am unwell, I can’t eat, I can’t think straight.
Perhaps if I force myself to sleep, I will wake up and he will be laying next to me, kissing me and reminding me of what I mean to him. Perhaps I am dreaming, but this is too detailed to be a dream. I bargain with my reality but what I feel deep inside is too much for it to be a dream.
I’m beginning to question my sanity. If I could be so wrong about my life partner, how them I can I be right about everything else I’ve ever decided on ? I am broken, I am shattered, my eyelashes rip off my eyelids that are swollen from all the crying. My voice is hoarse, I am tired from crying, I can hear my heart beating fainting. I can also see myself laying on the cold hard floor.
My spirit hovers around me as it has detached itself from what my body feels. It just watches from a distance. Unmoved, unshaken, unwilling to help me.
The closing of a life chapter is easier when you tell someone else to do it. But now I have no option because the chapter has been closed for me. The death of a part of me has begun but I refuse to accept that with death comes birth. It’s too early.
I am hurting too badly to even fathom possibilities of a new life. I want to cling on to this familiar feeling ,familiar life, familiar man until the day is done. But the dice has been cast and unfortunately, Lady Luck has chosen to turn her back on me…
Oh how I wish, i had the keys to turn fortunes around. But I must be content with knowing that life will be what it chooses to be, I must be content with knowing that I don’t need to know everything and that, not everything I know is true.
So what was it all for?